I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to open up, be vulnerable and transparent. I’m struggling to sugar coat the dirty and not sound like I am such a bad person, but that would completely hinder the glory of God’s grace and forgiveness. It’s easy to hide behind social media, to smile in public and act like your life is together, but God knows your heart, your struggles and pain. Right now I am struggling to write, to tell you of my sins and struggles, without them however, I would have never found my saving grace. Am I perfect? No. I feel like we have this notion that Christians or those leading in ministry are perfect now, they have figured it all out and are ready to tell us what to do. That is so far from the truth. I’ve learned through abandoning my life, picking up my cross, and following Christ, that I will never be perfect. I can’t give you a picture perfect life of what it looks like to live like Christ. I fail every single day. I can, however, tell you and show you what it is like to struggle, to fail, and to continue on this path, the path of most resistance.
You see, lately, as I have dug deeper into God’s Word, the conviction comes in full force. It sucks. Oh, it sucks real bad. But praise God for conviction, otherwise I would not feel the pride God has in me when I beg for forgiveness and I would not be overwhelmed with his love and compassion when I am able to identify these convictions and exchange them for mercy.
In writing this, I have every full intention to feed you the dirty, gross, humiliating sin of my heart and my life, in hopes that God alone will be glorified from the renewing of my soul. I am fully prepared for judgement from those who don’t know my secrets and skeletons in my closet. I am fully prepared for any skepticism I receive as a human, woman, or mother. I am only prepared for these things because I know to whom I belong, Christ, and for Him and because of Him I write this. If God grants the strength to one young woman to make a decision worth fighting for through my life story, than my work, my transparency, is completely worth every gut wrenching word.
“Though Satan buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul. My sin-oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! It is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul.”