I was a “Walk the Fence” Christian

“No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other…” Matthew 6:24 NIV

“I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were one or the other!” Revelation 3:15 NIV

I’ve always been the “Walk the Fence” kind of person. I don’t like to make drastic decisions, and I am also a people pleaser. So the balancing act of walking the fence and trying to play for both teams became a trained skill.

In high school, I recall two specific times I consumed alcohol. For some, this may be a shocker… “But I saw you at every party?”…. Exactly. That’s where the acrobatic tight rope act started. In college, I mastered the art of tip-toeing carefully across the line between a college student and motherhood.  (PS. there’s not one, another blog, another day.)

Throughout my adult life, my tight rope skills weakened as my load became heavier. This is the exact place God confronted me, it was time to cut the rope/get off the fence. My high school and college fence riding had seriously effected my Christian walk and therefore, my entire life.

When you are a devout Christian, there is no fence, there is no tight rope. You either jump in for Jesus or your playing for the other team… yourself. I’ve played for myself for far too long.  I consulted my God only when in pain. How selfish is that! – The Christian Faith is a FULL SURRENDER to Christ.

SURRENDER – To yield to the power, control, or possession; to give up completely or agree to forgo; to give (oneself) up into the power of another.

I recall far too many occasions in my life of screaming crying heartbreak and asking God to fix the situation, when I should have asked him to fix MY HEART.

I never had a life problem, I’ve had a heart problem. 

I clung tight to the things I didn’t trust God with, or the things I didn’t want him to have. A Christian, fully surrendered, can’t make a prayer list entrusting God with your kids, work, school, finances, and yet avoid other things like boys and relationships. I give you this specific example because that was me.

Being a young single mom, insecure and scared, I gave the Devil full access to attack my deepest fears.

“No one’s going to want you now.” “No young guy wants to be with a girl who has a child and no free time.” “See all your friends going out with their boyfriends? You can’t do that because of what you did.”

Instead of simply asking Christ to fill my mind with his thoughts and truths, I’d grab the steering wheel with my own two hands. Filled with desire for acceptance, security, attention, and control… I always ended up emotionally wrecked.

Unfortunately, wreck after wreck after wreck, I never fully surrendered to Christ, just asked for band aids.

Trust hasn’t just been the issue. For the past year, the word “obedience” has been clearly brought to my attention many times and plays a vital role in my life.

Let’s rewind: “Sarah, do not run around the pool!” 9 year old Sarah, “UGH” (continues running) 5 seconds later, slip, slam, cracked tailbone resulting in pain, shame, guilt, fear, and more pain.

You’d think after 10+ years of being raised by adults we’d figure out the full idea and intention of obedience, yet somehow here we are, still questioning, doubting, and rebelling.

I see it in my 7 year old daughter, but more so terrifying, I see it in myself. 

We have this notion that God is mean and strict or we have the general concept of “I hear you, but I don’t want to.”

“I love Jesus, but I’m not giving that up.” 

Whoa. Not only is that dethroning God by taking your life into your own hands, the life He created, it’s also clearly slapping him in the face and implying you know what is better for your life.

My parents made rules for me because they love me and wanted to protect me. I make rules for my daughter because she is so incredibly precious and valuable to me, and I want her as safe as can be. God, our Father *cough cough*, has rules for us… can you see the pattern? Value, worth, precious, love…

I down right have sucked at obedience. I’ve slapped God in the face more times than an army has fingers and toes. Why? Because I wanted to live for me. Where did that leave me? DEAD END.

I’m struggling for obedience every day. ERR DAY. I’m talking tooth and nail. Sometimes I even have terrible two tantrums and slam things down and scream, “but I want to!” …totally cute for an adult reaction, I know. But my Heavenly Father is so kind and comforting, He doesn’t get mad at my tantrums. He soothes my soul and teaches me surrender.

I was wrecked because I didn’t surrender. I am now whole because Christ has my life in His hands. My acceptance, security, full attention, control issues, and obedience are in His hands. Where they belong.

Is it easy? Heck naw. Is it fulfilling, satisfying, glorious, joyous, and any other happy freeing feeling word Webster can find? Oh my goodness yes. I can’t express to you the weight of pressure Christ carried off my back when I finally surrendered all of my life to Him. I feel like I lost 50 pounds and slept for 5 years. That’s called RESTORATION. That’s called the Promises of God.

I don’t know what you are struggling with, I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to just let go… but I can tell you it is so worth it. Christ’s love and freedom is so worth it.

Stop walking the fence, there is nothing good there for you. Get off the tight rope, it’s exhausting. Surrender fully, just jump in for Jesus! I know it’s hard… I’m right there with you.

“All to Jesus I surrender, All to Him I freely give; I will ever love and trust Him, In His presence daily live.
I surrender all, I surrender all.
All to Thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all. All to Jesus I surrender,
Humbly at His feet I bow, Worldly pleasures all forsaken; Take me, Jesus, take me now.”