This isn’t your normal post from me. I didn’t plan this one, I haven’t prayed over it for days; I just know it’s needed right now. It’s raw, it’s real, it’s what I promised you I would reveal about myself, and my walk with Christ. It is a true confession of a single mom.
For the past 2-3 months, I’ve been studying dating. I didn’t want to. Let’s be honest, it sucks. I don’t want to read a book about dating when I am not dating. I spent years reading books about being a mom and when the chapter about being a wife came about I would throw the book across the room. I’m not exaggerating at all. I’ve thrown many books in my life… anyway…
The dating books have been great. I’ve learned so much about myself, and what God wants for my future relationship. I’ve made goals, I’ve set standards, but most importantly, I’ve learned that this time of singleness isn’t about “finding the one” it’s about allowing God to mold me into “the one” He ultimately wants me to be. But that’s another post for another day.
Today… today I had had enough.
I’ve spent the last three weeks feeling an urge to pray at the altar at church. It ain’t a small church, I sit towards the top by the balcony, and I always wear heels.
“God, please don’t make me do this.”
I researched the idea of bringing something to the altar for a while. Is it sacrifice? Is it surrender? Because really… I’m fine. I settled for praying and surrendering on my knees in my bedroom. That’s where most of my prayer happens anyway. No need to “go to the alter.”
The song, “O come to the altar, the Father’s arms are open wide,” by Elevation Worship has been playing on repeat in my head for weeks.
“God, I don’t know why you want me to come to the altar. You see my heart. You see what burdens me. I give it to you… I don’t want to walk down the stairs in front of everyone and pray at the altar. It’s dramatic… stop it.”
Yet, the Holy Spirit in fact, did not stop… weird.
Today was it. I was broken. I’ve been confused. I‘ve been used by the Devil. I’ve been fed lies. I’ve been digging into scripture and calling out to God for strength. But this whole “come to the altar” thing was it.
I left my sweet little sleeping child in her seat (yes, she was sleeping, no I’m not apologizing, she’s 7) and made my way to the altar.
Now before I continue, I suppose I should update you on exactly what God said, “bring to me” that I so confidentially would not… because you know… I’m fine.
I’m lonely.
Yeah, I said it. I’m lonely. There are days that suck more than others, but here lately… it’s been a burden.
The more I’ve built a relationship with Christ, the more compassion I have felt for his people. I feel love so much more, but in retrospect, I feel pain so much more deeply as well. Seeing the sin and pain of the world is a gut wrenching, breath taking, dull, achey pain in the pit of my soul. I work in ministry now, and some things I hear or see… It all hurts ya’ll… It hurts because it hurts my Father.
These burdens I do lift to Christ. He understands, He knows, He heals. Even when being overcome with sorrow, I still feel peace and joy. I hate feeling alone in this battle though and loneliness drives it’s thorn of lies into my soul as it does many single women of the world today.
We question why. Do we suck? Do they all suck? What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough for this specific person? Is it because of my past? Is it because I have a child? Is it because I am too busy? Should I settle?
There are a lot of different reasons we may feel lonely. And I guarantee you in marriage there are still times of loneliness.
Relationships don’t heal people Jesus heals people.
So in my strut down the stairs, with my head down hoping no one really sees me, and seeking out the one woman I want to grab and pray with… I noticed she wasn’t there…
“Jesus, where did she go? She was just right here… I ain’t going over there alone.”
I looked to the altar, she was there.
A woman I so often look to for guidance and support, already at the altar… where I so pridefully didn’t want to go.
I dropped to my knees on top of her and I began praying for her. I thought, “God, maybe you didn’t bring me down here for me… “
As we finished praying, I still felt the urge to confess and surrender my loneliness. It still seemed hard… I still didn’t want to sit alone. And confessing, “God I am so tired of being alone” seems so selfish to me.
I turned around to see the eyes of a sweet young single mom that has so much of my heart right now. She reminds me so much of myself a few years ago. I love her to pieces. I grabbed her, and without hesitation I confessed it all in prayer.
We both left the altar with tears in our eyes.
You see, it wasn’t just about me… it’s still not.
I was brought to the altar, to pray for a woman I seek guidance from… and her guidance is found at the altar… and then when I least expected it… I realized eyes are on me, and it’s time to confess what others may not see. That I am lonely, I am sooo super tired of being alone. Am I happy? All the time. Do I have joy? Every day. Do I love my “alone time”? Definitely. But I still crave a relationship, and I crave a father for my child. And THAT’S OKAY. Because I serve a faithful, compassionate God who will provide in His time… which is the best time. I can’t wait for you to watch and see… to Him be the glory.
“Consider it pure joy, my bothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4 NIV
“Are you hurting and broken within
Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin
Jesus is calling
Have you come to the end of yourself
Do you thirst for a drink from the well
Jesus is calling
Leave behind your regrets and mistakes
Come today there’s no reason to wait
Jesus is calling
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy
From the ashes a new life is born
Jesus is calling
O come to the altar
The Father’s arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ
Oh what a Savior
Isn’t He wonderful
Sing alleluia, Christ is risen
Bow down before Him
For He is Lord of all
Sing alleluia, Christ is risen
Bear your cross as you wait for the crown
Tell the world of the treasure you’ve found…”
