I screwed up… again

I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to go into ministry or even start a blog. I didn’t want people to know my life. I’m too messed up, too broken, and will never be able to have it all together…

I can’t be perfect, so I can’t lead other people.

The devil fed me that for years, and I believed it. Time after time I simply gave up at the thought, because I could never clean myself up enough not to screw up.


It’s been months, I’ve been digging into God’s word, leading, and learning… but guess what, I screwed up… again. I slipped straight into a trap the devil made for me. One I fell into so many times in the past and swore I never would again.

I have my freedom in Christ. I know the truth of His promises. This post isn’t about my mistake, or your mistake, because the battle is new every single day and it’s as constant as the day is long.

What I want to talk to you about is isolation.

I’ve always heard you need to confess your sins. Tell someone you trust what is convicting you, get it off your chest. And what I shared with my girls tonight is that we often do that with friends that are close.. we share our dirty laundry. But really it’s more like the laundry hamper, not exactly each dirty sin inside. And that’s where the devil will feast.

For the past few days I have listened and believed every word the devil told me. “You can’t tell anyone you did that… what will they say?” “I told you that you couldn’t lead, because you’ll still screw up.”… the list goes on.

But today, God came breaking down the walls of deceit with the lesson to teach my class tonight. In our study tonight, through Embrace Grace/Embrace Life, we talked about finding trusted Godly friends. I studied the lesson in tears and immediately picked up my phone to talk to someone that has grown very dear to my heart.

You see, I want to be the best role model for her. I want her to feel like I have it all together so that she can find hope in that. But that’s false hope, and so wrong of me.

We aren’t called to be perfect. We’re called to be honest.

I told her everything. I told her I screwed up, that I’m ashamed, that my emotions are in shambles, and that I had to confess it, she needed to know. And you know what she did?

She lifted me up.

“The Amalekites came and attacked the Israelites at Rephidim. Moses said to Joshua, ‘Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with a staff of God in my hands.’ So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up – one on one side, one on the other– so that his hands remained steady till sunset.” Exodus 17:11 NIV

Being called to ministry or just being called to look like Jesus (which every Christian is) is a tough gig. It’s hard. I’ll tell you first hand that I fail every day, and some days are harder to get back up than others. But I am thankful for friends that I can confess my dirty laundry to, that know every horrible sin in the hamper. Because those friends know Jesus washes us clean, that we each have a job to do for the Kingdom, and they hold up our arms when we’re too weak to hold them up ourselves.


“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” James 5:16 NIV


Praising Jesus tonight for God’s glory through our stories.